Raining deep thoughts

When I was in high school one of my favorite little books was titled Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. One of Jack's thoughts was about a child in the rain. Jack suggests that you try telling a child that the rain is actually God crying, and it was probably something the child did. This always cracked me up. I found it so funny I tried the line out on my niece a year or so ago, but she was too smart (even at age six) to fall for such a story.
Even though I did not get a reaction from my niece I still feel compelled to tell my 30 year old husband when it is raining that God is crying over something he did! I normally just get an eye roll from him.
Although this is an entertaining "Deep Thought" I often do think of the image of God crying when it is raining outside. I think about a compassionate and loving God crying along with His people he created on His planet over broken relationships, illnesses, disappointments, loneliness, and despair. Then it occurs to me that God does not necessarily have to cry for only things that bring Him sorrow. What about the tears of joy? After all, I adore the rain. Listening to it brings me peace and joy.
So, what would cause God to cry tears of joy? Perhaps, when one of His children accepts Him into his or her heart and life. Maybe, the water works come when someone realizes God answered a prayer or realizes that God had a perfect plan all along. I bet those tears of joy even come over little things too like when one of us waters a garden, sings a song that praises God, bakes a dish for someone to sick or tired to bake themselves, or reads a Bible Story to a child. So, what are you gonna do to make God cry today. I bet He is counting on a tearjerker of joy.

Naked and Not Ashamed

One of my favorite verses of the Bible has always been Genesis 2:25

“The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (NIV).

It is not because I am a perverse person.  I just enjoy the raw freedom and innocence that this verse projects.  It is a description of vulnerability that we do not always possess in our crazy desensitized world.  It is an image of freedom.  Let’s face it, there is something freeing about running around your house naked.  However, this freedom goes deeper than this.  It is a freedom from sin.  It is the joy of living in a perfect world.

Well, clearly, we do not live in this sinless perfect world anymore.  However, I choose to title my blog “Naked and Not Ashamed” to remind myself of that perfect moment prior to sin of sheer joy and freedom for both men and women.  It is also my hope that I can convey true vulnerability to you, that we can all learn just a little bit more about God, and together we can embrace the freedom we find in him.  So go ahead, keep reading, because I am not afraid of who God made me to be, the thoughts and experiences He gives me, and my ability to share them with you here…

naked and not ashamed!

At the Car Wash

When I was a little girl I was afraid of many things. One, being the automatic car wash. I will never forget the first time my dad took the car through the wash. My mom had shot gun, and I was in the backseat. It seemed exciting at first. My dad put the car in neutral, took his hands off the steering wheel, and everyone relaxed as we let the conveyor move our dirty car through the wash. We were going to get clean!

As the chemical that cleans the car covered it in a giant slap, we lost our clear view of where we were going. Just as the view became completely obstructed, the wraparounds began beating loudly on every part of the car. With no ending view in sight, I knew their strong pointy arms were going to come bursting right through the windows and hood of the car. As a little girl I feared those wraparounds would wrap right around me, break an arm or leg, poke out an eye, or take me out of the car and away forever!
We can laugh at this account of a little girl afraid of a simple car wash, but we can also relate this tale to the way we often approach our journey with God. We let God lead us to the conveyor of a calling He has placed on our lives. With the soapy smell of optimism, the excitement of what’s ahead and the freedom of allowing someone else to steer for awhile, we begin the journey with great enthusiasm! However, that optimism can quickly turn to anxiety, confusion and fear. When obstacles wrap around us and we cannot exactly see the results of where God is taking us, oftentimes we may find ourselves compelled to hit the brakes or begin steering on our own again. This can be dangerous!
A very dear friend of mine asked me just the other day, “So, are you still afraid of the carwash?” Truthfully, it does raise my anxiety. I have never been good at giving up control. However, what magnificence we all miss out on if we are not willing to give up control, place ourselves on God’s conveyer belt and trust him to lead us on His journey (even when we cannot see where we are going). After all, the end results are nothing but clear, clean, and sparkling!

Treasure in the Darkness

My parents have been decluttering their home recently. By decluttering, I mean getting rid of all of the items that me and my sister left behind. Now, every time I see my parents I also receive a bag or box of “some things to go through” that they no longer want in their home.

This “masterpiece” is one of my recent “gifts.” I created it in my early elementary school years. Now, when I look at it years later, I am reminded of the unique spiritual journey we each experience and the importance of God’s light for each one of us.
All of us are colorful. We have several characteristics, interests, and talents that make us the individual people we are today. However, we do not live smooth lives. Different events, individuals, and circumstances leave imprints on us. We have cracks of sin, disappointments, and obstacles that can weigh on us so heavily that we forever feel hunched over from the load we bear.
Let us not forget that deep down in the darkness of our lives is the light of Christ!


“For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:6-9).
God created light, God’s light lives in us, and God calls us to share this light with all. We often dwell on how weak and meager, how unfortunate, how burdened we are, but we house God’s light!
During times when you find yourself perplexed, afflicted, persecuted and struck down remember that God’s light is always there breaking through the darkness! May you let the world see this treasure in you!

Corn Clumps

Thanksgiving, aside from the many blessings in my life, always makes
me think of corn on the cob. As a little girl my mom would always cut
my corn off the cob for me, and I would beg her to cut it off in giant
clumps. In my mind it was so much more delicious to eat a group of
kernels instead of individual kernels, and I was always amazed at how
the clumps of corn hold each other together.
Perhaps, this is a model for us all as a Christian family.

This summer my husband and I learned first hand what it was like to
have the need to be lifted up by God and held together with His love
shown through our Christian family.
My husband and I are growing our family through adoption. This summer
we were matched with a birthmother who chose to place her baby with us
to be adopted. After three months of multiple trips to the state the
birthparents live in, multiple doctors visits, a false labor, and a
baby girl my husband photographed held and fed the birthparents
changed their mind. They decided to parent the child. Our worst fear
about the adoption journey was realized.

My husband and I returned our baby pink car seat and baby animal
bedding set (complete with little pink squirrels) as fast as possible.
After all, if you rip a band-aid off quickly it will not hurt as
much. At least that is the theory…

We are thankful for the way our Christian family has clumped around us
and God’s love shined through them to hold us together and lift us up
in prayer over the last couple of months. One of the most meaningful
notes we received was from a friend who honestly confessed that she
did not know what to say but was praying for us and thinking about us.

So, where was God’s will in all of this? Honestly, I will never know.
I do know that since we did not adopt this baby girl my husband and I
took a wonderful trip together out west, I found a new passion for
drawing after taking a class with my mom, and one day God will place
our baby in our arms to adopt and do the best we can modeling God’s
unconditional love and grace as we become a family.

You may not eat corn on the cob at your Thanksgiving feast. Corn may
not come to mind at all when you think of this very important fall
holiday. However, when you gather at the table with your family this
year may you not forget what it means to be a part of a Christian
family…
to be honest with other even when it means confessing that you do not
know what to say
to lift each other up in prayer
to clump together showing love and support
to be covered by the sweet sweet Spirit
to praise God

Praise Him in joy.
Praise Him in the ordinary.
Praise Him in grief.
Praise Him in pain.
Praise Him in uncertainty.
Praise Him for His perfect plan.
Praise Him throughout your journey.
Thanks be to God.
May your Thanksgiving be ever so delicious!

My Real Life Story

My father has always joked that I was his broken down car that needed to be fixed up. When I was born in the middle of a hot July my parents had several surprises in store for them.  First, I was six weeks early (probably the only time I have been early in my life).  Next they discovered that I was born with a hole in my heart.  Finally, after nights of my parents listening to me consistently crying the nurse practitioner at my pediatrician office came to the realization that I could not see.  I was born legally blind.  Dad knew "this" car had a lot of work needed on her in the days ahead.

Before i developed a memory the cataracts that were on my eyes since birth were removed, and I began wearing thick glasses at six months of age.  My mother, who always made sure my clothes were in style and coordinated throughout my life, matched the ribbon tied around my neck to help me keep my glasses on with my outfit of the day.  I love looking at photographs of my unique style as a baby.  By age four the ribbons were no longer needed and the focus was directed toward my upcoming open heart surgery to close the hole in my heart. I remember holding my favorite fraggle rock stuffed animals (cause that show was such a do back then) and asking the nurses if I could just wait a little bit longer.  Surgery went well and soon after I was riding a tricycle on the hospital pediatric playground. However,  after the first hole was closed they found a murmur (a very tiny hole) that I am still living with today.

My vision has remained steady over the years and my thick glasses have become my style staple.  My parents strived for me to have a "normal" life and encouraged me not to let my disability stand in my way.  I did not.  I pursued my passion for theatre at age five by making an appointment with my elementary school guidance counselor to tell her that I thought our school should put on the play The Wizard of Oz, and I would be more than happy to play Dorothy.  As I grew I sang in chorus and at church, played the school nerd in a play at my middle school (clearly my thick glasses made me a shoe in for the part).  I participated in every theatre production while in high school and even had the opportunity to perform in a production of "Mr. Scrooge" with Jason Mraz while he was in high school and I was in middle school.  He played Bob Cratchet and I was Tiny Tim.  I really enjoy the arts.  My parents encouraged me to study hard and always be involved in school activities and church activities.

I have always been very social, and God has blessed me with many supportive friends throughout my life.  When a group of girls made fun of me in middle school by calling me Kaleidoscope Eyes a group of friends stood up for me.  In high school when I had eye surgery and temporarily went completely blind in my left eye my best friend would come over and read to me from our AP World History text book so I would not fall behind in the class.  My group of friends in college taught me the importance of being true to myself, trusting God, and embracing life.  In graduate school when I struggled finding decent transportation to school and work a group of my friends volunteered to be my drivers.  I cannot drive due to my visual disability. 

When something in life did not come easy to me because of my disability, I was encouraged to keep trying.  I was determined to complete college and graduate school reading assignments even if that meant getting less sleep because I am a much slower reader than my peers.  I love color so much, and I have always loved having my nails painted.  So, in my early high school years I would change the color on my nails almost everyday.  I figured the more I painted them the easier it would be to stay in the lines.  I would get a feel for where my nails were and it would be a less challenging task.  It worked, and I am very proud to say today that I can do my own nails just like everybody else. 

Don't get me wrong the blessing of great friends and determination has helped me in my life, but that doesn't mean everything was always perfect.  I had my embarrassments just like everyone else.  For example, there was the time in fifth grade where I tried to take my jeans off in gym class to dress in my uniform and the jeans got stuck on my shoes that I left on.  I could not pull the jeans up, and I could not pull them off. I sat there in my underwear with jeans hanging around my ankles when my male gym teacher came into the girls locker room to check on me.  There was also the time I was with a group of friends including my crush at a concert and I accidentally locked myself inside a bathroom stall during intermission.  How that happened I'll never know.  It would be wrong of me to mention these moments without mentioning the moment I was out with a boy i liked and laughed so hard that I peed in my pants.  This is definitely a dating don't.

 
My parents got there wish.  I grew up as normal as possible complete with friends, hobbies, decent grades, and embarrassing moments.  I received a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration in 2004, and I completed graduate school with a Masters of Divinity in 2007.  I work as a minister in a church within walking distance of my house.  This allows me to have a little more independence, because I do not have to rely on anyone to drive me back and forth to work. In my job I have the opportunity to minister to people of all ages.  My faith in God is what got me through the last 30 years of my life.  Even, though this is not everyone's view, I personally believe that God chose me to have a disability.  It has really helped me share His love with the world throughout my life.  In graduate school I met my husband and we celebrated our five year anniversary this fall.  We love to watch movies, travel, and explore new restaurants together.  He taught me that when you truly love someone it does not matter that they prop their feet up on empty dining room chairs every night during dinner, steal the covers while you are trying to sleep, and sing really loudly really off key.  Together we parent a cat named Thomas who, let's be honest, is pretty much the one in charge around our home.

 

Due to the medication that I take to control my glaucoma (a disease i was diagnosed with at age seven that damages the optic nerve and causes vision loss) I am not able to have a baby of my own.  My husband and I are excitedly in the process of adopting a child to expand our family.  I am looking forward to teaching my child all the important lessons I learned while growing up with a disability.  First, have faith in God.  Next speak up for yourself.  Learn to laugh at yourself.  Don't let obstacles get in the way of meeting your goals.  Be patient and persistent.  Do not be afraid to be your true self, and  embrace your style staple (thick glasses or something else) that makes you, you.